I hate everyday.






The end.

Life decisions....

Well the first two days of school have gone alright. I spent most of the day making weekly to-do lists for the term and now I just can't seem to focus on the present. I realized this week that I have about a month to make a decision about grad school.

If I do in fact graduate in March, I will be graduating with Danny, which is good. But, shortly after we graduate he'll be accepting a job somewhere in the United States, and at this time neither of us know where, or have any idea. Even if the company he worked for all summer offers him a position, they have offices all over the States so its up in the air until most likely April. This wouldnt be a problem normally, but of course for us it is. If I decide I want to go to Graduate School this next September then I need to apply before January, no matter where I apply. The problem is, where do I apply if I have no idea where Danny could be working. Sure I could just apply and go where I get accepted, but honestly, three years of a long-distance relationship isn't really going to work out at all. My other option is to wait a year, and apply somewhere close to where Danny is working when we get settled in. Its a hard decision either way. I want to go to graduate school and have my own career, but I want my life with Danny as well. Waiting isnt too big of an inconvenience really, but I do have a problem with putting my life on hold for Danny without some form of sacrifice or commitment on his part. It may be a bit selfish, but, no matter what the situation I always have to sacrifice something, and my guaranteed career is something that is a huge thing to give up without some form of commitment. This is pretty much the reason why not being engaged is such an issue for me. If I'm going to make a sacrifice that could potentially change everything about my future, shouldnt I get..something. As it is now, even after this conversation, he's not budging on the engagement issue, and wont even think about it until he has a contract with a company after he graduates.... unfortunately I have to make my decision way before that. I could decide to go to school next year and hope we can work out a long-distance relationship for three years, because there is pretty much no chance of being able to be close together if that happens..... or I could wait, and go with him wherever he goes and build my life from there... which I have no problem doing really, but it just doesnt seem worth it without the commitment on his part. Giving up your plans is something that should be thought about carefully. I don't see it as something trivial, as there is always the possibility that when we get to where we are going, there is no social work school, and I would have to picks something else. So I guess I'm just struggling, go to schoool and risk losing my future with Danny, or just wait and go with him and see where my life takes me without any commitment from him. I feel like I'm being selfish here, I can't make it an ultimatum, but I honestly dont know if I can decide to come with him if he hasnt taken that step with me....

...ugh...boys and stuff...

If I were to write a blog about all the things that I don't understand, it would be neverending. But luckily, I can live with a lot of those things so I will never have to write about them all.

One thing that I know I will never understand is the male way of thinking. I know that I am not alone in this, and that most of the female population shares this lack of knowledge/understanding right along with me. Women commit too soon, and men will do whatever they can to avoid commitment. Of course there are always exceptions, but it seems to work this way. It's the epic battle of the sexes.

I know that if I was completely realistic about my situation I wouldnt let my naked ring finger bother me, but of course it does because I'm a girl, and what girl actually thinks realistically...Plus, when the committing words are there, and occur on a semi-regular basis, what then is the barrier hindering the full promise to commit? I don't understand, and I dont want to care anymore... but I do, as I know many other girls do as well. Being a girl is hard, but I guess we make it that way. Boys have the trying to be sneaky part thats kinda hard, but no girl really minds if she figures it out early... *cough certain people cough*. I just think if you want to ask, just ask, and dont let anything else get in the way.

Oh a less whiny girl note, my breast reduction went great, and I love having small(er) boobs. Also, I'm in hillsboro so I get to see my Bestie a lot, which is great also! I am getting a bit restless just sitting around all day, but I know I would be exhausted if I had school or work right now. ... anyways... I guess that it my daily ramble since I seem to be getting distracted by other things...

Drowning.

So many things happen all the time, I guess there is just not enough time to write about them each day. Of course most days, there is nothing I find important enough to write about. I guess writing isn't my emotional outlet such as it used to be, I find that I find no comfort sitting here, being upset beyond belief, and writing. Trying to write about it, nothing comes. I've stuffed everything down for so long that I no longer know how to bring it back up and really feel it. I just push it down and let it simmer. So many things from so many times, and I'm finally drowning in it.

A Hurricane's Blowing In

Apparently God decided this week to curse the Pacific Northwest with rain and blustery wind. I find this annoying, since I would much rather be running outside than inside at the gym. Yes, I'm still running. It's hard, and my knees hurt, but I'm sticking with it. If the Carolinas are going to be a reality this summer, then a bikini body needs to be a reality as well. Hence the running. Which isn't always enjoyable, but beneficial. School is being slacked, just a bit. I'm finding it harder than normal to get interested in any of my classes, but for the most part I'm keeping up. After finishing one midterm today, it's time to prepare for another on Friday, and another essay due in two weeks, it never stops. Just for a moment I wish that it all would pause. But no one is that lucky. 

Chores are getting done, bills are getting paid, I guess that's all I can ask for. 

Fun in the Rain

Today I found out how relaxing it is to put on a pair of Nikes, put some headphones in your ears, and run outside in the rain. Anyone who knows me probably knows that I am not a fan of running, and hardly enjoy it, or do it for fun, But today, something was so calming about my feet hitting the pavement, the music in my ears, and the rain falling all around me. For the first time in years I felt all my stressors eliminated, and felt nothing but peace. Well, nothing but peace and the shortness of breath that occurs when running. I'm not a good runner, I can hardly run a full mile without resting, but for once I enjoyed the struggle. I ended up running 2.2 miles, which for me is great. Right now I'm just hoping that running in the sunshine is just as relaxing, since it's almost May. Maybe it's just because I was by myself, I'm not sure, but I can't wait to run again. 

i loved him too, once upon a time.

Funny story, I created a blogger account to comment on a friend's post, and it turned into an all day adventure of creating profiles and numerous customizations. So now, as hours have passed, commenting on above mentioned post is probably futile, and I haven't decided if I still will comment or not. Probably not, unless something else needs to be said.

I need to go put on a bra before company comes over.... 

...company is here. I'm being quite antisocial while sitting in on my beanbag in my corner while everyone watches the basketball game. I just can't get into it now, no matter how much I want to, I couldn't sit there and pretend to enjoy myself. 

"Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place."

I saw this quote last week, and I have been thinking on it ever since. Wish I knew how to tell if it is really falling apart or if it just something small. Isn't it that things fall apart all at once, or is it like a crack in the glass that starts small but spreads until you can no longer see in front of you. Wish I knew. 

You ask me how I could ever love someone as awful as him, but isn't that what people do; get caught in awful relationships and never notice until its finally over? What makes you better than him? Everything, you're so much better. But of course that isnt enough, loving you isnt enough, because as you pointed out, I loved him too once upon a time. 

You're right. I loved him. I loved him blindly. Maybe its the same with you, and you're no better than him or anyone else. I don't feel that it is that way, but could it be? And how could I defend him, a different him?Easy. He's my friend, and he's done nothing wrong. I will always defend my friends, but of course, if that means that I should go fuck them, then fuck you. I am not a hypocrite. I've made my share of mistakes, and if I realize them as such, saying they're wrong is not hypocrisy, unless I repeat them. Which, you seem to forget, I have not. 

I wish you would just be consistent. Either love me, and really love me, or hate me and leave. I almost don't care at this point. Almost. Well, that's almost a lie. I care so much that it hurts. Well almost hurts, since most of the time I can never tell how serious you are. 

Sitting at a crossroads here, white one way, black another. Yet it's all about the grey... it's what everything depends on, hope, despair, everything. But its also not even part of the answer.

Introduction

ROMEO 
Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can,
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
That one short minute gives me in her sight:
Do thou but close our hands with holy words,
Then love-devouring death do what he dare;
It is enough I may but call her mine.

FRIAR LAURENCE 
These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;

Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.